Hope

I trusted You

in Your word I hoped

and I believed

with joy I received

I heard the sound of Your voice

and my spirit rejoiced

my heart leapt within me

and then You led me out from that place

into a vast wilderness

of deep affliction

and utter darkness

where the sound of Your voice was music to my soul

but around me was a crushing weight

that I was broken under

though it seemed I could not hear You

I remembered

You and all Your wonderful promises to me

You led me into a place of dreadful darkness

through times of tears and turmoil

you tested me

I drank deeply the cup of bitterness

it was gall in my mouth

and I wanted to despise the day of Your word

disdain the dream

pour contempt on all I have hoped for

but I could not and cannot

a prisoner I am

to the sound of hope

to the sound that I heard

in the cool of the night

when Your voice carried me

and reminded me

Your voice has carried me

even when silent to me

Your voice has buoyed my soul

given me wings to soar

as I wait on you in hope

darkness has been like a shell surrounding me

and I’ve been like a chick breaking free

a butterfly formed in blackness

stepping out into the light

it hurts my eyes

but, I remember, and I believe

what I thought was trust has been formed deeper in me

Lord, let me see, Your light again

Your word a lamp to my feet

illuminate the path before me

I trust in You

in Your word I hope

and I believe

with joy I receive

I have heard the sound of Your voice

and my spirit rejoices

my heart leaps within me

and You lead me out from this place

into a spacious land

a land of peace

Back to the Beginning

"For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive."

I Corinthians 15:22

In many ways I had an ideal childhood.  Sometimes, when life gets hard, I long for the simpler days of being a kid again.  I’d like to be restored to that place of child-like innocence and wonder.

I grew up in small, safe, Midwestern towns.  As a boy I rode my bike all around town without fear (except for that dog that scared me once).  I played “Peanut” League and Little League baseball.  For practice my dad threw the ball to me from the middle of the street.  I hit it into a field next to a church.  Our backstop was our burn barrel.  If the ball went past the burn barrel I had to run after it and throw it back to my dad.

Besides baseball, I played with Lincoln Logs and Legos, enjoyed sleepovers with my best friend, Mike, and had a paper route.  Much of my paper route money was spent on sports cards.  Today, I have about 30,000 baseball, football, and basketball cards in boxes, most of which sit in a closet at my parent’s home in Michigan.

Sometimes on summer days we played in the woods down the street from the house, biked around town, bought candy and ice cream at a small convenience store called The Milk Depot,  ran through the sprinklers, or flung our bodies down the Slip-n-Slide in the backyard.

Not everything in my childhood was easy.  There were hard times.  My family had its share of struggles.  However, I don’t recall being burdened down by cares, worries, and disappointments.  In so many ways, my life was good.

And, in many ways, my life is still good.  But I have experienced my share of hardships, circumstances that seemed like setbacks, and disappointments.

These disappointments are an inevitable part of life.  Things do not always work out as we may have hoped they would.  We all make mistakes and bear the consequences.  Sometimes those mistakes cause our hearts to be weighed down by guilt and regret.  But I believe that the disappointments of life do not have to choke out our joy.  We can accept the love and forgiveness of God.  We can still experience the newness of life we felt when we first gave our hearts to Jesus.  We can live in the wonder of God’s amazing grace.

*the preceding was an excerpt from my book, Calling Out to Deep

Like a Child

Several years ago, while attending Christ for the Nations Institute, there was a period of time when I tried to get up early and spend some time in prayer.  Sometimes this resulted in me kneeling on a comfortable chair and drifting off into sleepiness.  But one morning God spoke to me.  He reminded me of when I was a young boy playing on the baseball team.  He reminded me of a swimming pool party our team had and how much carefree fun I had.  Then He said to me, “I want you to be like a child."

In one of my classes that very same morning, the teacher began talking about being like a child.  Obviously God was speaking to me.  The teacher shared the Scripture from Psalm 8:2 which says,

“From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.”

It may seem odd, but in the midst of our battles we can be carefree like a child.  One of our best weapons is simply praising the Lord.

When I was in the 7^th through 9^th grades my friend Mike and I went to “Spiritual Warfare” camp.  It was intended to be like a spiritual boot camp for young people.  The time we looked forward to the most was the evening services, lingering at the altar and afterwards celebrating what God had done.

Looking back on those times, I’m not entirely certain I completely grasped the concept of spiritual warfare.  Perhaps I did more than I now remember.

I recall, on one occasion, sometime during Junior High or High School, Mike and I were walking to a small, wooden bridge where we used to pray sometimes.  The bridge was in his apartment complex, down the street from where he lived.  We decided to run to our place of prayer, shouting like we were going into battle.  It was our battle cry.  Did we grasp the reality of spiritual warfare?  Perhaps we did.  Perhaps, in our youthful innocence, we were just having fun.  And, perhaps, that’s just the way God wanted it to be.

Spiritual warfare is serious business, but there also needs to be joy in the fight.  There are real responsibilities that we need to accept with maturity.  God has not called us to be childish, but child-like.  God has not called us to live in denial of the battle, but not to be overly focused on it either.

Even in the midst of the battle we need times of lightheartedness and refreshing.  We can’t get so bogged down with everything around us - all the bad things going on in the world and the cares of this life.  We need to take the time to enjoy the simple things and the beauty of God’s creation.  We need to take time to rest in the Lord.    

*the preceding was an excerpt from my book, Calling Out to Deep

How I Long To See the Day

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."
Romans 8:20-21

the night is spent in turning

the minutes are counted, each, one by one

as every passing moment is a reminder

of the hope I grasp for

the deliverance for which I long

for years I have labored under this burden

and longed for the day, for the moment

when You would bring release

in this deep and desperate bondage

I can hear the cry of freedom

it rings out like a far of call

and even though it seems so far away

I can hear it, I can feel it

and it stirs within me a hopeful longing

that it won’t be long

my oppression, You have surely seen

my cry, You have heard indeed

these taskmasters, of them You have taken notice

my sorrows, You have surely known

to bring me up out of this land, You have said You will

to a land flowing with milk and honey

how I long to see that day!

to a good and spacious land, You have proclaimed

my affliction, it has reached Your heart

with compassion, You have turned Your eyes

how I long to see the day

the day when all my fears are whisked away

this night another reminder

of how I have tossed and turned in affliction

this day, how I can reflect upon

the sorrows that have rolled over me

sorrows like billows roll

with the surging of the storm, I am troubled

with the swelling of the ocean, I lose my way

with the rolling of each wave, I am surrounded

I tumble with each heave

my soul rises up in me, I let out a cry

the wave settles on the other side, and I issue a sigh

another prayer, another offering

another request, grasping for some light

in this moment of distress

in the tumult of this darkness

from a far off cloud I hear a cry

it’s the cry of freedom

and it stirs something deep within my heart

the day of deliverance is soon at hand

how I long to see the day!

Remember Me

who will hold me, on a cold, winter night?

who will shelter me, be my everlasting comfort?

won’t You take me into Your arms

and whisper into my ears

won’t You surround me, while I sleep

be my angel, who guards me

and watches over me with eternal vigilance

be the One who keeps me, from all danger

from all fear, from all destruction

keep me from evil, I pray

and from all temptation

deliver me in my hour of torment

as I lift my soul up to You

like a baby who sleeps so tenderly in her crib

be the Father who watches over me

and won’t ever let me stray

tonight, I am praying, that You will hear my groaning

and remember

turn Your eyes and remember, like you remembered Israel of old

You heard the cry of their bondage

their deepest sighing and innermost moaning

little comfort to provide for themselves, they hoped

wrapped in their own lonely arms, they cried

and wept

deeply

bitterly

softly

sobbing, they cried out

and You remembered

tonight, Lord, I pray, remember

remember me, on a blustery pier

gazing out across snowy waters

tears and snot on my face

remember me

in the nights of my groaning

my desperate longings

looking up at the ceiling and hoping

that you would answer my cry

remember me

at the altars of my childhood

leaning on Your breast

longing to listen to Your heart

remember me

remember me in the hour of trial

on my face, on the carpet, wondering if I would make it

remember my tears

remember my love

remember my longing

turn Your eyes, Your face, I pray, and remember

Your covenant

Your promises

hide me in Your shelter tonight, I pray

and remind me

of unfailing love and never-ending mercy

remember me

northern night

northern sky

dancing lights

backdrop of darkness

sparkling pinpoints upon the blackness

ashes at my feet

I feel your heat

and add to you twigs and branches

puffs of oxygen

to fuel a fire

for this night is not the same without you

verdant shoreline

sandy, pebbled beach

your grit is in my fingertips

in you my toes find solace

my hands are your filter

and for this evening, you are my home

where is the boundary of the fire

as it fades into ebony?

might my soul find flight in you

may my spirit find quietness

may my mind find peace in your release

as you disappear into darkness

at the place where the day meets night

where the horizon waves goodbye to fading sunlight

and the freighter chugs proudly

no matter what time of day it is

wave, O wave – rolling onto Superior shore

come roll onto the shore of my heart

this beach is my banqueting table

His banner over me is Love

as the sounds of the northern night

gambol around me

and fill my mind with soothing memories

memories of northern nights

The Horn of Salvation

“I love you, Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
     my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
     my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
     and I have been saved from my enemies.
Psalm 18:1-3

Sometimes, in the deep places of discouragement in life, we need someone to lift us up.  With no strength in ourselves, we are at the mercy of God.  We need God to be our rock, our fortress, our shield - the horn of our salvation. 

At a point where you may feel you cannot make it, God is your deliverer.  He is your shield against the enemy.  When He imparts His glory to you, you are lifted up and given the strength you need to carry on.    

According to the “Word Wealth” notes in my Bible*, the word “qeren” (English:  “horn”) refers to “A horn of an animal; a flask or cornet; a symbol of strength, power, and victory… Horned animals, such as oxen, goats, and rams, are symbols of strength.”  It goes on to say that the “‘horns of the altar’ (Lev. 4:7; 9:9; Ps. 118:27) are symbolic of the powerful presence of God.  The root from which qeren comes is qaran, ‘to have horns,’ ‘to shine.’”

What I like about the word “horn” is that it conveys both strength and glory.  In the throes of our deepest battles we need His strength and glory.  When you are being attacked by the enemy is when you need Him to be the horn of your salvation the most.  And when God shows up, when He acts on your behalf, He shows forth His strength and His glory in your life. 

It is in our places of deep brokenness, I believe, from which most emanates the glory of God.  Does not God glorify Himself through our brokenness?  As the Scripture says, “we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:17)

Being broken is hard.  It is not fun.  On my face before God, pleading with Him for help with tears, is not the goal of my life.  I want to dance on clouds of victory, not lie alone in my bedroom crying out to God for help to make it another day.  But I believe my deep place of brokenness and agony before God, my place of anguish and turmoil; the valley of greatest darkness and despair, shall become a field of glory. 

The light of His unfailing love and mercy will shine on you and me.  He will lift us up from the shadows, and set us on a firm and stable place.  He is our rock, our strength.  He is our fortress, in whom we take refuge.  He is our shield and stronghold – the horn of our salvation! 

*The New Spirit Filled Life Bible, NKJV

When the Glory Comes…

it must be scandalous, like something I should not have seen

more intimate than a mortal man should dare to be

but, still,

I am here!

when the weight of the glory comes

will you be able to stand under it?

cast a casual glance at His feet

and just keep on eating

cause when the fire comes, it will burn

when His presence falls, it will lift you up

when the weight of His glory comes

just keep smiling

look at your friend, smile at your neighbor

with a knowing look in your eye

unspoken, but understood

that for so long we have waited for this day

this day, when His glory would fall

for so long we have prayed

for revival to come

here He hides me

in the cleft of the rock

His hand upon me, and I catch a glimpse of glory

it must be scandalous, like something I should not have seen

more intimate than a mortal man should dare to be

but, still,

I am here!

in the year King Uzziah died… I saw the Lord

on the road to Damascus, I encountered Him

high and lifted up, He was

a blinding light, He is

all these problems that I’ve been dwelling on for so long

whisked away, with just one encounter of glory

when I see His face, that is all it takes

in the night when He met me

we wrestled until daybreak

and when I laid my head on a stone for rest

surely, the presence of the Lord was in this place

and I was not aware!

when he stepped out on the scene

indeed, we beheld His glory

full of grace and truth

and in quiet, tender moments, when I lay my head on His breast

I can feel glory shoot right through me

and the other night, when I laid my head to rest

who would have believed, that I would dream

that would lead me from here to there

far away from what I call home

and into a place where I’d feel often alone

yet, deep in this place where my soul is refined

He longs and desires, that my light would shine

when His glory comes…

when the weight of His glory comes

will you be able to bear the weight of it?

in this cloud of glory

I can feel the strength of the Lord

though I cannot bear it

He reaches down and takes my hand

urges me to go on

though I stumble and I falter

in my journey towards His throne

He says, “Rise up, My child, Rise Up,

You can make it!”

Lord, I want to encounter You

in ways greater than I’ve ever known before

at the end of this road of suffering, I pray

let Your glory come

let Your glory come

“Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel went up and saw the God of Israel. Under his feet was something like a pavement made of sapphire, clear as the sky itself.  But God did not raise his hand against these leaders of the Israelites; they saw God, and they ate and drank.”

Exodus 24:9-11

The Keeper of My Dream

“They hurt his feet with fetters,

He was laid in irons.

Until the time that his word came to pass,
The word of the Lord tested him.”

Psalm 105:18-19

tonight, Lord Jesus, I pray

that you would unlock the chains that have bound me

for I remember long ago

the dream that arose from my heart

and how I reached out with hope and received it

claimed it as my own

a willing receiver, I believed

and I recall, how we drove down that highway

you and me

and the dream was so alive in my heart

this journey we embarked on together

this magnificent quest, yes, I believed

I knew the journey would not be easy

but who knew it would be this hard?

who knew I’d end up this broken?

who knew I’d lift beseeching hands to You

in such desperate moments?

they have plowed down my back

and made their furrows long

they’ve stripped me bare

my soul has been made gaunt

and I can only breathe with heavy sighs

my God, my God, why?

they have clapped my feet in irons

bound my hands in shackles

led me out like a sheep to the slaughter

when I open my mouth I voice out my complaint

in the privacy of prayers I make loud my anger

and lash out at You

yet, I still lift my voice to heaven

with this burden that has been laid on my back

I have borne some defeats

been dealt some setbacks

but I arise another day

to write the vision down and make it plain

even though now my soul is limping

and I need You now more than I thought I needed You then

I pray, let me run again with my vision

may I arise to the glorious day

cause if it comes to pass it’s going to have to be You

for heaped upon me is my own brokenness

and I can barely lift my head

dear Jesus, answer me

come to me tonight and break off the shackles of my shame

be the fulfillment of my dream

once again, command my destiny

may the trial be over, the testing complete

for in You all things have been perfected

I offer to You

the tattered remnants of the dream You gave me

please write a new chapter in my story

bring me out into a spacious land

a land of rich fulfillment

be the keeper of my dream

“‘They have greatly oppressed me from my youth,’ 
    let Israel say

‘they have greatly oppressed me from my youth,
    but they have not gained the victory over me.

Plowmen have plowed my back
    and made their furrows long.

But the Lord is righteous; 
    he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.’”

Psalm 129:1-4

Come Quickly

O God, be not silent

be not far off

for my soul is in agony

and I cannot hear Your voice

though I know You are close, as close as the mention of Your name

I need to hear You, I need to feel You

I need to know that You are and that You still care for me

my sins have been heaped up upon me

but I know, that you cast them far away

as far as the east is from the west

O my God, be not far off

come quickly, Lord, to save me

for my spirit is crushed under the weight of cares

and disappointments

rise up, O Lord, and be my Defender

for my soul is weary with sorrow

all day and all night

my soul cries out

sometimes only a whimper

a prayer of exasperation

hoping that You will once again come near to me

that You will be near me

and not let my enemies triumph over me

save, me, O Lord, in Your unfailing love

do not reject me

do not turn Your face away from me

in these moments of my distress

I need to know that You are still close to me

and I am still close to You

and that, in Your sight, I am acceptable

O Jesus, restore me

in Your righteousness, in Your unfailing love

I am weary under the fog of my affliction

my oppressors surround me every day

and breathe out lies and accusations

I pray, Lord Jesus, that you would silence their voice

that You would be strong in me

and the enemy would have no place

no foothold

no ability to torment me

come quickly, Lord, come quickly

River of Healing

river, river that runs through me

lead me, lead me into the deep center stream of Your will

O Great River, invisible as You are

I am overwhelmed at the sight of You

and I want to be overcome by the whole of You

as Your torrents wash over me

dipping my head back in Your stream

I feel the sunlight on my face

I feel the breath of the universe on my skin

and it is wholly refreshing

swimming here, in Your river

there is a stream that makes glad the city of God

the Lord is within her, she will not fall

she will stand at the break of day

there is a mountain from which flows

a river that brings cleansing and healing to the nations

nations will rise up, they will rise up

at the glory of the River that flows

from a mountainous throne

there is a deluge from heaven

and I am running in it

I am dancing in the downpour

sprinting through grass that has been soaked

flinging my body, splashing in puddles of glory

I am running like a prisoner set free

for my soul has been liberated in the path of Your commands

a shout from heaven

and the darkness that has gripped me is dispersed

scattered in many directions

shout my name, I want to hear!

that I am free and the enemy cannot touch me anymore

waterfall, waterfall that falls over me

your force, like Niagara, infuses me with power

lead me, lead me, I pray, into the deep place of Your will

be like a fountain of life which wells up inside of me

be like a spout of liberty that I cannot contain

you rise up from deep inside me

I cannot hold back this gush of power

I cannot quench this presence

I cannot dam this river

it will flow and not stop flowing

and bring healing to the nations
wherever it flows, wherever it flows 

Short clip of Niagara Falls...

Then Why Are You Smiling?

Crushed under the weight of life’s setbacks and disappointments, do you still dream?  Despairing of life, do you still hope?  Buried under the shame of sins and regrets, do you still smile, knowing God loves you? 

Perhaps, in a fleeting moment, as Jesus hung on that cross, a faint smile crossed his lips.  Under the weight of the agony of his own suffering, gasping for breath, his own eyes blurred by blood that he could not wipe away, perhaps there was a faint glimmer of a smile.  Why?  Because he knew.  He knew the truth.  He knew that despite his present circumstances, a resurrection was on the way.

It reminds of a scene from the movie, The Princess Bride.  Inigo Montoya is in a sword duel with the Dread Pirate Roberts (Westley).  He says to Westley, “I admit it you are better than I am.”  To that Westley replies, “Then why are you smiling?”  Inigo responds, “Because I know something you don’t know.”  “And what is that?” Westley asks.  “I am not left-handed!”  He then switches his sword to his stronger right hand and the fight begins to turn to his favor (until later Westley reveals he is not left-handed either).

You may be in a fight, a duel, and the enemy seems to have the upper-hand.  But, you are smiling.  Why?  Because you are not left-handed!

But seriously, we can smile today, regardless of our circumstances, because we know that the battle is fixed in our favor.  Even though things may look hopeless and dim right now, keep praising God.

In Psalm 88, the writer says,

“From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.

Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.”
vs. 15-18

Have you ever felt this way?

The Apostle Paul wrote, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” (I Cor. 1:8-9)

God raises the dead!  Despite the despair of our present situations, we can smile.  We know the truth.  We know that a decree from heaven has been issued in our favor.  As we praise Him the battle turns in our favor.  Even though the enemy comes against us with passionate fury, we can smile.  Why?  Because we know that God has for us a future and a hope.

In the midst of your difficult situation, you can still dream.  What do you dream of?  What hope do you hold onto?  As I sit here writing this, next to me lies a book by Dr. Mark Rutland entitled “Dream”.  Regardless of what I am going through right now I believe God has a plan for my life.  I have a dream.  I have a hope for the future.  I have hope that God will still act on my behalf.  I believe that the dreams God has placed in my heart will still come to pass.  For this reason, I can smile.  

And, in case you want to see a good sword fight....